you are why i am like this
by rockin.overmate
Summary: Ren said. Kyoko stopped in her tracks. She turned around. Ren continued to look at her. "What..?" Kyoko couldn't speak. "You..me?" WARNING: OOC.
1. emotion:defeated

**author's note: gambatte skip beat! i love ren :) so i had to write this fan fiction. warning: just a teeny bit of language.**

* * *

"Oh?" He asked, smiling. She looked at him, and murmured something low in his ear. The couple began to laugh, and he pulled her closer to him. The man standing not twenty feet away from the couple watched them move into another room. His brain was processing two things: one, the fact they were now a couple. (How can she go out with him? After all he's done to her?) But the greater part of him was struggling with this new emotion. Ever since he had started to work with her more and more, he was filled with new and new unexplainable feelings and emotions. However, he knew the name of this new emotion. Ha! Me? Impossible. But he knew it was true. It was true that Ren Tsugara was feeling jealousy for the first time. And there is only one way to cure that. Take Kyoko from Fuwa Sho.

---

"Ren?" Ren blinked. His manager, Yukihito Yashiro, studied his face with a puzzled.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. Ren dipped his head.

"Er..yeah. I'm just..."

"Jealous of Kyoko and Sho?"

Ren whipped his head up. "Excuse me?"

His manager gulped, then fixed his glasses and put an apologetic smile on his face. "I'm sorry. I should not have said that. It's just that...I see you watching...her and him together, daily now. And I figured since it looks like you're starting to..." His voice faltered. Ren looked at his manager once.

"How do I get her?" he murmurmed, looking down again.

"Excuse me?" his manager asked, but he had heard him. Ren looked up at him.

"How do I get her?" His manager was really surprised now. He knew Ren's face betrayed no emotions, but for him to speak like that?

"Err...don't you think it a little late? I mean, you've been with her for a while now..." he stopped as soon as he saw Ren's annoyed face. _Shit. I've gone way too far this time._

Ren was annoyed, as he realized what his manager was saying was true. But I had not quite figured out my feelings for her at that time.

Ren looked up at his manager, who stumbled as he starightened up. Then Ren smiled that gracious, professional smile his manager knew all too well. "Thank you, Yashiro. I think I will handle this the direct way." Sliding a hand in his pocket, Ren turned on his heel and walked off to the cafeteria where he could hear that damned couple laughing. He was inwardly thankful that it was early in the morning; he couldn't stand putting up with his female fans. His manager watched him walk off, wondering what 'direct way' Ren was going to take.

---

Ren took a deep breath, and walked into the cafeteria. He noticed Kyoko standing in a straight posture as she always does, her mouth to a bagel, her sharp eyes scanning the newspaper on the table. He quietly and quickly closed the distance between them in five large strides.

"Kyoko." Kyoko looked up. She looked up, her sharp eyes showing surprise. She swallowed. Ren was surprised at how he confident he felt, how easily he was able to shut down his emotions. "I have to talk to you."

Kyoko's eyebrows burrowed in confusion, and she tilted her head. "About?"

Ren quickly replied. "About-"

"Come on, Kyoko." Ren's head whipped up to watch Sho walk towards him, and time stopped as Sho and Ren looked at each other. Kyoko was looking back and forth.

"Um.." Kyoko grabbed her newspaper and bagel and quickly went over to Sho. Sho kept a little smile on his face as he walked over to Ren.

"You were too late. She's mine now." he whispered.

"Sho? What's happening?" Sho turned to Kyoko.

"Nothing, love. Let's go." He placed an arm around her and led her over to the exit. Kyoko looked at Ren for a minute then looked away.

Ren stood there, frozen, his arm held in midair position. Slowly, his arm lowered itself.

_What am I doing? You ass, Ren. I'm just trying to get rid of this feeling._

_No you aren't. Something else going on with you..._

_I'm...confused._

Sho's whispered phrase floated around in Ren's head.

_Damn. This is going to be harder than I thought._

Ren turned around and walked out of the cafeteria, the large walls echoing the sound of his footsteps.

* * *

**so what did you think?**

**to be continued!**


	2. emotion:confused

**hola! okay, no, hi! konnichiwa! (forgive my spelling!)**

**ive been going through a writer's block lately -.-**

**so i apologize for this lame chapter.**

* * *

He watched her hair shine in the sun, through the gaps of the crowd. Kyoko's hand reached up and patted down her golden red hair as she talked to a pair of actors. Ren sat, bent over, hands clasped and elbows on knees watching her every move. He watched as Kyoko laughed and slowly bid the two actors good bye. Ren's heart gave a leap - she looked so gorgeous when she laughed. As they walked away, Kyoko stood there awkwardly. Ren sat up and straightened.

_Perhaps I should go and talk to her..?  
_

His eyes still on Kyoko, he watched as Kyoko pass through the crowds of people. He relaxed again when she moved in the opposite direction of him. They were at a social gathering for a new movie. It had nothing to do with Ren, as he was not starring in it. Kyoko was, however. Ren's eyes travelled as a momeory of Yashiro encouraging him to go as a fellow actor came up. Ren didn't need the encouragement.

His eyes still travelling, they suddenly met Kyoko's. Magnet with magnet click. Ren took a deep breath, and watched her move like water through the crowds, her eyes hesitantly on his. She stopped by the arm of his chair.

"Hi..."

"Hi." came Ren's curt reply. He couldn't breathe.

"Um, I just want to apolgize." Kyoko spoke softly. Ren looked at her.

"For?" Ren prodded. He was beginning to relax a little again.

"For yesterday."

Ren swallowed. This was not good.

"Yesterday..?" Kyoko looked at Ren. Her eyes were apologetic. _Don't look like that at me! It's not your fault! _Ren screamed from the inside.

"For my boyfriend's behavior yesterday. I don't know why, but I feel like he did something - "

At the word boyfriend, Ren fired up inside. All relaxed feelings were swept away by a way of fury. Suddenly, he wanted to stay as far away as possible from the one he loved. He needed an excuse.

"Yeah, turns out I am late for a meeting." Ren interrupted and stood up. As he fixed his outfit, he saw hurt crumple Kyoko's face. That expression of hers made Ren yearn for Kyoko. He wanted to apologize to her and hug her, making it nearly impossible to walk away. But as Ren began to walk away, battling his inner emotions, Kyoko fixed her face and watched Ren walk away.

---

"Dammit!" Ren cursed. He had one hand in front of him, on the door opening to his room. He didn't mean to say that, really.

Stupid slip of the tongue...after she mentioned that bastard...

Ren groaned and placed his head against the door.

---

"Hey, stop that, it tickles!" Kyoko giggled as Sho's lips softly pressed against her neck, and made a trail up and down.

"No." whispered Sho in Kyoko's ear, making her gasp. Sho hesitated, then spoke again, still whispering. "Have you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

You've changed."

"Have I?"

"Mm, you have. Remember the LME?"

"Gah."

Sho laughed and kissed the top of Kyoko's head. Kyo turned and faced Sho, her face still confused.

"You've changed. You've bceome much sweeter." Sho explained.

"It was all your fault."

Sho hugged Kyoko. "I know and I am sorry..."

Kyoko laughed. "It's all right. I didn't know love felt like this..." As she sat there, complacent, her thoughts slowly turned to Ren. She remembered his cold expression. Just like when we had first met. Kyoko involuntarily shuddered. "Cold?" Sho asked. "No-" From Kyoko's stomach came a loud grumbling noise. Kyoko blushed. Sho laughed and stood up. "Let me get you something to eat." Kyoko grinned apologetically. Her thoughts however went back to Ren as soon as Sho entered the kitchen. She knew he had another side to him when she was Bo, that ridiculous chicken. Ren still hadn't found out, had he?

Kyoko sat there stumped. Why was she thinking about him anyways?

She looked up in time to see Sho come into the living room with a tray. On it were two hamburgers.

"I thought we should eat western."

"That sounds good." Kyoko took a bite. "Oh, yum."

"I know it's good. It's 'cause I am such a good cook."

They both laughed.

Then Kyoko sighed quietly. Where is Ren right now...?

For reasons entirely unknown, Kyoko felt a pang of loneliness for Ren.

---

Ren was in bed. He closed his eyes. He couldn't sleep. He tossed. He turned.

_What was Kyoko doing right now? Oh right, probably with Sho._

_"_If I was invisible/Then I could just watch you in your room/If I was invincible/I'd make you mine tonight/If hearts were unbreakable/Then I could just tell you where I stand." came from the radio. Ren suddenly felt very weird inside. Ren turned over and turned the radio off, placing two pillows over his head. He groaned.

---

Sho had left half an hour before, an hour after they ate together. She was in bed. She was also restless. Ren wouldn't leave her mind now. Her mind was sorting out odds and ends. Ren looked so..torn apart. Yet he spoke so cold to her. Kyoko sighed and sat up. Why Ren? Why now? Kyoko propped her pillows up and fell into them, turning on the lamp and the t.v. Of course, the main reason she had gone into the acting world was to get back at Sho. But after he confessed to her, those feelings of revenge were no more necessary. But now Ren acting like that...all Kyoko did was try to apolgize. Apologize. Kyoko closed her eyes. For what?

---

Ren was torn apart. Torn apart and tired. Last night did him no good.

Yashiro watched him bent over on the chair, head in hands. He was apprehensive. They both were. But for entirely different reasons.

"Just choose a script."

"You choose a script for me." came the reply. Yashiro sighed. He wasn't going to take anymore of this new, always-depressed Ren.

"Ren." Yashiro said sharply. "Stop this." Yashiro even seemed as surprised as Ren, who looked up, shocked. He had never spoke to Ren so sharply before. But the shock ebbed away slower for Yashiro than Ren, who again put his head in his hands.

Yashiro sighed. So much for that.

"Give me the one with the villian." Ren said. Yashiro gave a little jump and quickly handed Ren the script. Ren looked over it. _Perfect...for someone as villiaonous as me._

Yashiro bent over. "Are you going with that one?"

Ren flipped over the pages, not reading carefully.

"Yeah."

"All right." Yashiro took out his cell phone and started dialing a few numbers and talking to other important people and managers.

Ren tilted his head back and looked up at the morning sky.

He didn't know what to do. He was completely, utterly lost. Ren's eyes travelled to Yashiro's cell phone.

_It wouldn't hurt to call Kyoko and apologize to her? It wouldn't look weird, right? We both are two actors after all._

Ren stood up and walked over to a tree. His hand fumbled for the cellphone. Without bothering to look down at his cellphone, Ren pressed two on his number pad and pressed the call button. He kept his eyes straight forward, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular.

_Yeah…Kyoko is number two on my speed dial. Number one is reserved…for my voicemail._

Ren stiffened as he heard the dial tone.

_Please, please, please don't pick up._

"Hello?"

* * *

**well....cliffhanger much?**

**next chapter will be a twist. **

**three wrod hint: P.O.V.**


	3. emotion:angst

**ugh! i failed at this chapter!  
please forgive me!  
i totally had a great plot going, and it just screwed up!**

**gr.**

* * *

I might have been the most hard-working manager in the history of managers. I was the manager of Tsugara Ren. He was – not bipolar, no – but he was almost impossible to read. Almost.

I had a feeling as a manger that things would go down, when news that Kyoko was dating Sho would reach Ren's ears. I was trying my best to keep it from him. But I was just a manager, he was an actor. He would find out eventually.

His new self confirmed my ideas, my doubts. He was indeed, in love with Kyoko. But now that she was dating Sho – what could Ren do? For he had shown signs of affection to Kyoko, only in passing. Either she blew it off, or became completely confused by it.

I had vowed in the beginning not to let Ren's personal life affect his career life. Call me vain, call me selfish, but I am a manager.

---

But I had no excuse, when I overheard Ren talking on the phone with Kyoko. I know I made a promise with myself, but I just had to know what Ren was going to say. It was a rare chance, even as a manager, to see other sides of Tsugara Ren.

I was so relieved that Ren had chosen a script. I quickly dialed some numbers and answered some calls. I had only taken my phone from my ear and ended the call when I heard a low, familiar voice, unfamiliarly hesitant, saying,

"Hello? … Kyoko?"

I automatically stood up straighter. Ren called Kyoko? No, he couldn't have.

"Yeah…it's Ren."  
I've never heard Ren be more… I couldn't find the word.

Be more….torn apart.

"Listen, I want to talk with you. I don't – what?"

I couldn't hear anything. But my sharp eyes notice the tip of Ren's lip curve upward. He loved her voice?

"I see, you have to go. Tomorrow then?"  
I stepped forward, my foot crunching on gravel. His chest turned towards me, and I froze.

_Shit!_

Luckily, for me, he was fixated to the conversation. More to her voice, I believed.

"Bamboo Hut, okay."

I quickly scrambled back to the car, my legs quivering.

_This is my chance._

"I'll see you then."  
I'll see you then, too, Ren.

---

I hope I looked inconspicuous, I was praying I blended in with the background. I looked down with mutual distaste at my tourist-like Hawaiian button-up shirt. I adjusted my baseball cap and walked with the crowd. I was used too very fast traffic and crowds, so I eased my way outside of the flow of people right in front of the Bamboo Hut restaurant. I looked up at the shiny sign.

Bamboo Hut was a very high class restaurant. The meals were beyond extravagant and Of course, a high class actor like Ren would be able to afford a meal here. Luckily, I too was able to afford such. I went inside, straight to a waiter behind a stand. Luckily, I had made reservations beforehand.

" Hello, I have made reservations for a Mr. Kurosaki?" I had chosen not to use my real name. It would only cause an uproar, and besides, Ren could not know I was …. Following him. The waiter raised his eyebrows, and appraised me. I began to sweat slightly.

"Are you sure you have made reservations at the right restauraunt, sir?" The waiter's tone was polite enough, but very thick with implications. I sighed and fumbled for my manager card.

I slid down my glasses and handed him my card. His eyes widened with recognition as they flitted between the card and me.

"I see, sir, please accept my apology. You don't look anything like yourself in that … get-up." I cursed inwardly. No one wears tourists clothes to a high class restaurant. As the waiter grabbed a menu, I touched his arm.

"Can you please seat me near Mr. Ren?"

The waiter looked at me. "Of course."

---

I was sitting a table away from Ren. My head was going to have to be bowed the whole time – I hadn't expected to be this close to Ren. But I closed my thoughts, and tried listening to Ren and Kyoko.

They both had looked up briefly when I entered their booth area, wearing sunglasses. They both continued on with their conversation. I caught snippets of it – they were talking about various actors and movies.

I now leaned back, trying to listen in.

I had mentally prepared myself for this. In the beginning, I was confused to an extent as to what I was doing. But now I knew – I was doing this for Ren. Forget the vow I made when I first became Ren's manager; I now cared about Ren very much and I figured this could help me later on.

It was silent at their table for a moment.

"Sir, would you like anything to drink? Or would you like to order?"  
I jumped, and saw a waiter looking at me, a bit skeptical.

_What is with all these waiters?  
_I scrambled and picked up the menu. I quickly overlooked the menu.

"I would like to have some of the Chef's Special Garlic and Spinach Ravioli. And water, no ice, please."  
The waiter nodded and took my menu. I strained my hearing towards Kyoko and Ren's table. Apparently they had just ordered too. They must have arrived only a minute or two before me.

"So," Kyoko spoke up, "what did you want to talk about, Ren?"

I stiffened, then waited for Ren's reply. His voice came, low and cool.

"I wanted to apologize. For my recent behavior."  
I couldn't risk seeing their faces, so I could only imagine what expression they were wearing.

"I…uh…it's all right."  
I heard a sigh.

"Kyoko, it's not all right for me."  
"Of course not."  
I blinked in surprise. Her voice changed. It was cool, like his, but I could hear the slight tremors.

"Why are you doing this, Ren? Is it because of-"

"Sho? Of course. Now you tell me, Kyoko. You went into the acting world to get revenge on him. Now you're dating him?"

"Why does it matter to you who I'm dating?" Her voice came out low but shrill.

"It … doesn't."

_What a lie._

"Okay, then, Ren."

"I apologize."

"I accept your apology."  
Silence ensued. I was confused. So quickly the conversation had taken a turn and ended.

"Your food, sir."

I mumbled a thank you, too distracted. I ate, barely tasting the food. I had a feeling Kyoko and Ren were feeling the same.

I ate rather slow. I felt like something would happen today. Nothing… happened. If anything, the situation had gotten worse.

Simultaneously, Kyoko and Ren shared the bill while I paid for myself. I stalled as they left, then I followed them through the exit.

I blinked against the sun.

I took out my cell phone and made the motions of making a call still keeping in close proximaty of the two.

"Thank you for today." I heard Kyoko say. Ren sighed. "I do apologize; I wish this could have turned out better."

I heard a smile in Kyoko's voice. She was truly something else sometimes.

"It's okay. I really don't know what you're thinking," Kyoko laughed at this part, "but I know Ren's not like that. Bye, Ren."

Ren spoke low, thinking she wouldn't catch it. But Kyoko and I both heard.

"It's because I love you."  
I dropped my cell phone. Kyoko whipped around.

"What…? You…me?"

Ren was a statue. He didn't expect her to listen. Nor did I.

The moment was frozen for us. People walked away, not knowing they could be witnessing the most tense moment in history.

_Ren! How can you admit it?_

* * *

**yes, it was in mr. yashiro's point of view.**

**please look forward to the next chapter??!**


	4. emotion:guilt

**school sucks, doesn't it?  
anyways, i apologize (will it ever be enough?)**

**a lot of crazy things and crap have been going in and out of my life.**

**so here it is, what i have.**

* * *

When he said those three words, suddenly, all the feelings I had buried inside me had been uncovered. Memories of the times Ren and I spent together – me treasuring every moment – literally flashed in front of my eyes. My hands were trembling. Sho never made me feel like this.

*

I watched her reaction. Suddenly, my heart was disconnected from my mind. I knew if I listened, I would begin to feel regret, and I would walk away. But I didn't want to. Her hands were trembling. My heart would be crushed if she began to cry. But no, she didn't. Kyoko was a strong woman. I watched her slowly walk towards me. She was the light, I was the moth. I began to walk towards her.

*

I wanted to touch him. Make sure he was real. The past week with Ren's actions, was he…

*

I stopped as Kyoko said one word. "Jealous?" She continued walking though, until she was right in front of me. She lifted her hands, and her fingers slowly touched my face. It was too much for me. To see what I always wanted, right in front of my eyes, here. I wanted to steal her, from him, and never give her back.

*

I could see he wanted me. I wanted him too. He completed me. He always had. Then what was Sho?

*

"You have to go back."I whispered, taking her hand.

*

His words boiled me up inside. "I want you." I growled.

*

Before I knew it…

*

I kissed her.

*

His hands running through my hair gave me shivers. He made me feel so much more than Sho. I didn't want to go back to him. But …

*

"You have to. Go back to him, for now." I spoke. I was being the wise guy now. As much joy as I felt, there was always something to hinder it. I slowly let go of her, and took a step back.

*

I felt his hands release themselves, and I felt vulnerable. I looked around. The world was passing around us. Nobody noticed us. We were two strangers in this world.

*

I walked back to the car. Over my shoulder I looked to see Kyoko looking at me, half her body in her private limo, half out. Our eyes met, and my heart skipped a beat. I felt elevated.

*

Seeing his lean figure standing there, his cool eyes looking at me, I felt so naked.

*

It wasn't until I was in the car, until it hit me what I did.

*

I couldn't think, my mind was in a delighted mess.

*

What have I done?

*

It still did not reach me as I went up to my condo. I unlocked the door and walked inside. "Hey, sweetheart." My heart thudded. I spun around to see Sho standing there, wearing an apron. A big smile was on his face. "I was baking something for you, are you hungry?"

My heart spluttered.

What have I done?

Oh, Ren…

* * *

**i hope that wasnt confusing! what do you think?**


End file.
